Well-delivered apologies can build or restore trust, which research shows makes a difference to how people feel about where they work.
When Michael Burchell and Jennifer Robin, authors of The Great Workplace, asked, “Is your organization a great place to work?” and “Why?” what they heard from staff members who felt theirs was a great workplace was that “they believe their leaders to be credible, respectful and fair—they trust them” (emphasis added).
The way some people say, “I’m sorry” amounts to a non-apology.
The just-concluded Alberta election campaign provided several examples of how not to apologize. Politicians who were called out for what they had said or written in the past did an atrocious job of apologizing. Their responses simply didn’t sound genuine.
The typical response when words from the past surfaced was that the candidates was, “Sorry if what I said upset you.” They seemed to believe that voters will forgive and forget just because they said they were sorry.
What they didn’t understand is that people were offended by what they said because what they said was offensive. Their apologies exhibited regret that they got caught, not regret for what they said.
Early in the campaign, one candidate attempted to apply an extreme prophylactic by apologizing for everything they had ever said or written that might offend others.
Others made excuses for what they said, or pointed out that we shouldn’t focus on what was said or done in the past; we should think instead about what they promised for the future.
When someone tells me, “I am sorry that you feel the way you do,” what they are doing is expressing regret for how I feel. They are apologizing for what I am thinking or feeling.
Newsflash: I own my emotions and you have no right to apologize to me for how I feel. I will be offended if what you say or do is offensive.
We didn’t hear from most of these politicians that they regretted what they said or did. They didn’t acknowledge that what their words or actions said were offensive. They only understood that we were offended. They didn’t comprehend that we were offended by the words or actions because their words and actions were offensive.
They should not need us to tell them that their words or actions are offensive. They should understand this. They shouldn’t need to be told what is offensive and what isn’t. That understanding should be at the core of their being unless their built-in “offensive behaviour detector” was surgically removed when they entered politics.
Eventually, all of us will say or do something that demands an apology. When that happens, we must step up, admit that what we did was wrong and also understand its impact on others. We must show our empathy for the feelings of others.
When apologizing, offer no excuse for what you did. Express your sincere regret and commit to improving. Promise that you will do everything in your power to not make the same mistake again. Then, take action to fix the relationship you damaged.
Consider what happens when a child spills their milk. Yes, we expect them to apologize, but we also expect that they will clean up the mess.
For politicians whose words are homophobic or culturally insensitive, taking action might mean reaching out to the LGBTQ2S+ community, or to other marginalized groups, with a sincere desire to learn. Do so immediately, not “sometime in the future.”
Insincere apologies do not increase our trust in politicians and they don’t inspire trust when managers deliver them. But sincere apologies, when required, will make us more credible and trustworthy. Apologies, when necessary, create better workplaces.
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